Bereavement Blog

Changes in Funeral and Celebrant Services

2011-04-26T21:40:00.000-07:00

While I continue to assist families with traditional services, I am also serving people who request more personalized and spiritual services, and there is an expanding gap between the time of death and the time that the service is scheduled. Why am I experiencing these changes as a Funeral Celebrant? Well, many people are choosing cremation, so the sense of urgency in decision making has changed. Also, people are geographically dispersed, there are economic challenges and there are more complicated grief issues. Your funeral celebrant is also a resource. I would encourage you to have the conversation with your celebrant sooner, rather than later, in order to receive the greatest value.

Bereavement Overload

2010-08-20T08:15:00.000-07:00

We are bombarded with loss: loss of people we love, financial loss, job loss, home loss, safety and security loss and loss of integrity. Please take a moment every day to send messages of love, integrity, abundance, gratitude, healthy choices and perseverence into the universe. You can make a difference. Keep the faith, continue making healthy choices, keep dreaming and manifesting and continue practicing self care and taking positive action in being of service to others.

Blue Christmas

2009-12-23T13:43:00.000-08:00

Dear Readers,
As we celebrate our holiday, let us be mindful of those who are sad this holiday season. Why are they sad and what can you do to be of service to them? Maybe because they are depressed, or they have had a loss of a loved one or a job, or they have experienced disappointments and unfulfilled expectations, or their family is geographically dispersed and they cannot be together, or perhaps they are financially challenged. These are just some of the reasons why someone might not be experiencing joy. So, how can we be of service? Pay attention! Notice someone who might not be happy or content right now. When people feel sad, they may also feel a sense of shame, blame or guilt and may not share these feelings readily. Talk with them. Listen to them. Invite them. Share what you can with them (food, money, gifts, your blessings.) There are Blue Christmas services that welcome those who are feeling blue. Sometimes, it helps just to know that you are not alone. While your feelings, relationships and circumstances are uniquely yours, you might feel better knowing that you are not the only one who does not feel joyous. Trust that your feelings of joy, hope and gratitude will return. Wishing you all the best.

Tribute to Frank McCourt

2009-07-28T10:47:00.000-07:00

I recently participated in a tribute to the late Frank McCourt, Irish American author, at The Book Stall in Winnetka, IL. I had previously read the book, Angela's Ashes. I read it again to select excerpts to share with the audience. I rarely have the time or energy to read the same book twice, as there are so many new books from which to choose. What I discovered is that I am in a very different place from the time I first read this book, so my life experiences colored the lens through which I looked. Also, some passages really popped in light of the fact that Frank is now dead. Isn't this a mysterious and lovely part of the wonder of reading? You weave in the author's intimate thoughts with your life experiences.

Funeral Celebrant

2009-07-13T07:52:00.000-07:00

As a Funeral Celebrant, I have witnessed many beautiful love stories about ordinary people who are extraordinary to their friends and family. You may not hear about them on the news, but they are quietly living their lives: working, playing, struggling, contributing, loving and being loved. What will your legacy be?

Bereavement Overload

2009-04-01T07:55:00.000-07:00

So many people are coping with loss, and somtimes losses come one right after another. You may be experiencing bereavement overload. You barely have time to cope or reconcile one loss when another hits. Here are some tips to help you navigate multiple losses:

give yourself permission to consult with a professional counselor or doctor

practice self care

journal

surround yourself with people you love, as well as those who love you

spend time with people who make you laugh

reward yourself with small treats: ice cream, a new book, watching a movie, etc.

be of service to others

stay connected

be a lifelong learner

I hope that you find this to be helpful. I have also co-authored a book, Griefstruck: When a Death Changes Your Life. You can order this book at your local bookstore or on amazon.com

Grief and Forgiveness

2005-02-08T10:03:00.000-08:00

In the midst of your grief, you may be wounded by someone's insensitive remark or by something they either do, or don't do, that disappoints you. What bereaved people have taught me is that you have a couple of options to consider in this type of scenario.

Educate the person
Ignore the words or behavior
Confront the person
Disconnect from the relationship
Forgive the person

You may feel that the burden should not be on you to educate this person, but if you look deeper, you may realize that it was not their intention to hurt or insult you. If they have not experienced a personal loss, they may not be able to empathize with you, or to anticipate your needs. This may be a communication issue. You could ignore the words or behavior, but that may build resentment, and increase the odds that they will repeat the words or actions with you or someone else. You might confront the person, but risk either person losing his or her temper, causing the problem to escalate, or jeopardizing health and safety. You might end up in a total breakdown of communication, or a decision to end the relationship. There is always a trade off or a shadow side with this option. You can empower yourself to choose forgiveness. This is often described as a "win-win" solution, in that you maintain the relationship and treat yourself and the other person with respect and compassion. This does not mean that you condone what the person said, did, or did not do. It does mean that at the end of the day, you can be at peace with your decision to make your world and our world a kinder, gentler place.

Focus on Forgiveness

2005-02-02T13:09:00.000-08:00

Do you feel stuck? Do you wish you had the courage to try something new? Do you want to empower yourself to forgive, so that you can live your life more fully?
When we begin a new year, we are mindful of the opportunity to change, to do things differently.
We can look at what has been working well in our lives, what needs tweaking, and what needs a major renovation. We have the power to change our thinking, our environment, and our situation, regardless of the challenges we have had. Perhaps you had a blend of unpleasant and joyful experiences. This is life. Rather than focusing on the shadow side, consider lessons learned, even from the difficult situations. Have gratitude for the everyday kindnesses and miracles that are happening all around us. Instead of blaming others, accept them for who they are and what they have done, and take ownership of your own life in relationship to others. Forgive the people who have wounded you, but distance yourself from those who are toxic or depleting to you. Forgive yourself as you would forgive others. Trust your inner wisdom to guide you in making healthy decisions and to keep fear in perspective. Believe that wonderful things are in store for you. Meditate. Pray. Allow others to help you. Be of service to others. Remain hopeful.

Coping with Grief this Holiday Season

2004-12-08T11:20:00.000-08:00

Do you wish you could fast forward through the holidays? Many grieving people would answer yes. Here are some reasons why you might feel this way:

You are sad and find it difficult to be around people who are celebrating
You worry that you will cry or bring the celebration down
You feel overwhelmed or stressed
You want to have some alone time
You do things because you feel obligated rather than because you want to do them

Consider the following healthy strategies:

Acknowledge your sadness and limit your time spent at the celebration
Give yourself permission to cry; you are responsible to others, not for them
Identify what stresses you, implement changes, and find ways to relax
Honor your time to be alone, but avoid isolating yourself
Decide which rituals you value and what is no longer working; try something different

You are not alone in your grief. Ask for help and get the support you need. Surround yourself with people who understand and respect your loss. Limit time with those who deplete you. Avoid unhealthy coping techniques such as masking your true feelings, depending on alcohol or other substances, watching too much television, spending excessive time on the computer, overeating or overspending. Remind yourself that practicing self care is not being selfish. Empower yourself by coping with the holidays and your feelings, rather than choosing to avoid them. Be mindful of ways that you may help others and give gratitude for three things.

All the best,